tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-85928517284087891322024-03-12T21:04:16.582-07:00Ted is HereNotes on my brother, families, siblings and griefElizabeth DeVita-Raeburnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06830680868671437204noreply@blogger.comBlogger39125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592851728408789132.post-22579329228265612002012-12-06T12:49:00.000-08:002012-12-06T13:09:55.453-08:00MineMineMine!
"I love that old phone with a passion. It was the only real property Seymour and I ever had in Bessie's entire kibbutz. It's also essential to my inner harmony to see Seymour's listing in the goddam phone book every year. I like to browse through the G's with confidence."
-Buddy Glass, explaining why he doesn't want his old phone disconnected four years after his brother Seymour's death. Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06830680868671437204noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592851728408789132.post-9256775040780457932012-02-10T07:37:00.000-08:002012-02-10T07:45:37.632-08:00At Long Last....First, an apology--to anyone who found themselves on this blog recently and registered the fact that my last post was about two years ago. My youngest son (I have two) is just over two years old. There are other writers with kids who seem to have figured out how to get everyone fed, get them to school on time, tend to illnesses and just hang with them, etc. without losing some productivity. But Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06830680868671437204noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592851728408789132.post-39491067351327557952010-04-08T13:55:00.000-07:002010-04-08T13:55:24.660-07:00Some sibling fights aren't all that harmlessThe general thinking, as far as I can tell, is that sibling fighting--something I've yet to witness in my two little guys, but dread, if only for the noise--has a function. They're learning how to resolve conflict. They're becoming proficient in something called theory of mind, i.e. learning to intuit what others think and feel. And probably some other things we're not sure of.
But a new study&Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06830680868671437204noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592851728408789132.post-2182764776064473632010-04-06T13:54:00.000-07:002010-04-06T13:54:11.061-07:00Thoughts on Megan O'Rourke's "Good Grief: Is there a better way to grieve?"As usual, I'm way behind on New Yorkers. Fortunately--or unfortunately, depending on the kind of day/week/month I'm having--my husband tries to flag articles he thinks I'm going to want to read, so there's really no guilt-free tossing to be done.
Last month, while on vacation, he set the February 1, 2010 issue on my night table, folded to O'Rourke's piece, and said that I should take a Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06830680868671437204noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592851728408789132.post-43497070081738337772010-04-06T09:39:00.000-07:002010-04-06T09:39:22.303-07:00Sibling loss, motherhood and postpartum depressionToday I was supposed to have a shrink appointment, the first since our extended vacation in Florida. My shrink, however, seems to be somewhat schedule-challenged, because she wasn't there. (We've had one schedule glitch already--a double-booked session.) When I told my husband, Paul, he said: "What does that say, that she thinks you don't need it anymore?"
Good question. I don't really know the Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06830680868671437204noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592851728408789132.post-5466295892294066022010-04-05T14:09:00.000-07:002010-04-05T14:22:57.296-07:00Birth Order: Myth or Reality?When I was writing The Empty Room, and doing a considerable amount of delving into the scientific literature on siblings, I, of course, encountered the notion of birth order, i.e. the theory that the order of your birth in a family affects your personality, your intelligence....basically everything about you. It's a theory that isn't thought to have all that much import, as far as I can tell. I Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06830680868671437204noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592851728408789132.post-81442158953850684852010-04-05T09:20:00.000-07:002010-04-05T09:28:13.300-07:00Two boys...part twoAwhile back I posted about the fact that I was expecting another little boy, and wondering what it would be like to have two. Luke is now almost five months old.
Henry: Yes, there's been some jealousy on Henry's part, and some irritation (mainly due to the noise Luke makes when he cries or whines in the car....part of his going to sleep process). But there's also been a lot of interest, for Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06830680868671437204noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592851728408789132.post-37884193335163181642010-03-12T06:04:00.000-08:002010-03-12T06:05:14.251-08:00Brother refuses to leave sister in burning house behindThis is a pretty harrowing story. What would you have done?Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06830680868671437204noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592851728408789132.post-91444776523970502652009-10-25T11:52:00.000-07:002009-10-25T12:13:28.415-07:00Twin tennis players....Bob and Mike Bryan...I have no idea which is whichThe August 31st issue of The New Yorker features an article called "Perfect Match" by Burkhard Bilger. The topic: a pair of identical twins--Bob and Mike Bryan--who are professional tennis players, specializing, not surprisingly, in doubles.The ESP twin thing they've got going makes them a nightmare for non-related doubles players. They play Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06830680868671437204noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592851728408789132.post-16766720375805271342009-10-25T11:35:00.000-07:002009-10-25T11:51:20.381-07:00"I'm already a brother..."Tom Hanks in "You've Got Mail"...his Aunt Annabelle is the little girl on the left...all part and parcel of a modern family......So we were reading Henry one of the few new sibling books we've picked up that we actually like, and I said something flip like, "Do you think you'll like being a brother?" And Henry said: "I'm already a brother."I don't know if he meant that he already felt like one, Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06830680868671437204noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592851728408789132.post-44067435937852968122009-08-13T11:01:00.001-07:002009-08-13T11:01:42.153-07:00Two BrothersWhen I realized I was pregnant again, I figured I had nine months to adjust to the news and the new reality—and that Henry, then about two-and-a-half, who we planned to tell much later in the game, would have lots of time, too. I figured he really wouldn’t have to start dealing—whatever that was going to mean—until the new guy was born. Wrong.We told him when I was about five months pregnant, theElizabeth DeVita-Raeburnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06830680868671437204noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592851728408789132.post-55135905462876550152009-08-07T19:45:00.001-07:002009-08-07T19:47:23.431-07:00Hindu tradition recognizes sibling relationshipWow. Check out this article about a Hindu ritual honoring the relationship between brothers and sisters. “The brother-sister relationship in Hinduism is quite unique. It is so pure you can’t describe it in words,” says one person quoted in the article. Very cool. More later.......Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06830680868671437204noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592851728408789132.post-85197048911690107802009-08-07T13:10:00.000-07:002009-08-07T13:11:17.765-07:00Movie review: DeparturesI kept seeing this one—a Japanese movie which won the Academy Award for best foreign feature film—in The Quad listings and trying to get to it, but the timing during the day (my usual movie-going time) just wasn’t working. I was so happy when Paul noticed it, too, and suggested we use some sitter time to check it out.Departures is the story of Daigo Kobayashi, a passionate cellist, with a dream Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06830680868671437204noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592851728408789132.post-40332785424594986212009-08-07T12:10:00.001-07:002009-08-07T12:10:43.830-07:00Movie review: GhostedAll I needed to hear about this movie was that it explored the aftermath of grief and loss and, of course, I was interested. (To anyone unfamiliar with my history, the loss of my brother when I was 14 left me with an apparently life-long interest in these topics.)So, last Thursday, on a pre-school day when we should have been working, Paul and I caught the 1 p.m. show at The Quad. Ghosted is the Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06830680868671437204noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592851728408789132.post-26545383963722059702009-07-23T19:27:00.000-07:002009-07-23T19:35:30.545-07:00Why do we mourn for celebrities?You really must click here to hear my friends, mother daughter pyschologists, Gloria and Heidi Horsley, being interviewed about why we mourn when celebrities die. I must confess, the parts I love most are when Gloria decimates the five steps of mourning myth (Go Gloria!) and Heidi demolishes closure.There's nothing more validating than hearing people who get grief talk about it. Love it.FYI, Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06830680868671437204noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592851728408789132.post-27757664300482605012009-07-17T11:29:00.000-07:002009-07-17T11:55:37.053-07:00Catcher in the Rye excerptsI promised them, and then I forgot. Here's one sibling loss related excerpt from Catcher in the Rye. It's Holden, talking about not liking to go visit his brother's grave."When the weather's nice, my parents go out quite frequently and stick a bunch of flowers on old Allie's grave. I went with them a couple of times, but I cut it out. In the first place, I certainly don't enjoy seeing him in Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06830680868671437204noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592851728408789132.post-85813736042491201362009-07-17T04:10:00.000-07:002009-07-17T04:19:21.719-07:00Children, Death by Robin StandishI received this astonishing poem in the mail, along with a letter from the author, Robin Standish, in 2005. Unfortunately, it got lost in the pile of papers on my desk. A couple of weeks ago, I was cleaning up (finally), and came across it. I can't tell you how moved I was, how blown away by what Standish captured, about early sibling loss.Standish was 7 when her 2-year-old brother, George, died Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06830680868671437204noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592851728408789132.post-81535284897999374372009-07-17T03:44:00.000-07:002009-07-17T03:52:47.098-07:00Children born after a stillbirth--are they affected?Well, my uneducated response to a question like this would be, "Duh." But, I have to admit, I would have no idea just how they'd be affected. A new study in The Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry has tried to come up with some answers, though. British researchers followed 52 mothers who'd had children after a stillbirth, to see if they could discern any effect. Basically, the kids were Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06830680868671437204noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592851728408789132.post-66587213633522681762009-07-08T04:20:00.000-07:002009-07-08T04:48:46.123-07:00Organization: Active MindsSo, again, I’m flipping through my sibling loss file, and I come across something amazing, in this case, a profile of Alison Malmon. When she was a freshman in college, Alison’s 22-year-old brother, Brian, who was on leave from college, committed suicide.After his death, Alison realized that Brian, who was a star on campus, both for his accomplishments (sports editor of the paper, president of anElizabeth DeVita-Raeburnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06830680868671437204noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592851728408789132.post-86404946318184995682009-07-08T02:56:00.000-07:002009-07-08T03:21:17.037-07:00Book: Apples and OrangesI don't usually comment on books unless I've read them, for obvious reasons. But in going through my "Ted is Here" folder this a.m. (way too early this a.m.), I came across a review of the book Apples and Oranges by Marie Brenner. In it, Brenner, a high profile writer for Vanity Fair, explores her relationship with her brother, Carl, who couldn't be more different. "Our relationship is like a Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06830680868671437204noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592851728408789132.post-83758170264743489162009-07-07T10:56:00.001-07:002009-07-07T11:19:59.750-07:00Holden Caufield--still relevant?First off, I love J.D. Salinger and all of his books. So I was surprised when, as my step-kids went through that particular reading phase in high school when they were assigned Catcher in the Rye, they reported that they kind of hated it. Whaaaat?One big problem, they said, was that they couldn't really relate to Holden, the teenage, trash-talking, car-wreck of a main character. As I thought Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06830680868671437204noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592851728408789132.post-62161799541213094522009-07-06T12:13:00.000-07:002009-07-06T12:19:21.150-07:00Giada De Laurentiis on the loss of her younger brother, Dino, and kids….If you poke around in sibling loss literature, one unanswered question you come across is—does losing a sibling make sibling survivors more or less likely to have children? And do they tend to have “extra” children, just in case they lose one?FYI, I don’t have an answer to this. In my case, I simply had too much baggage to deal with to have children earlier in life. (I had my son, Henry, at 40.) Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06830680868671437204noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592851728408789132.post-13367288595154552432009-05-11T08:45:00.000-07:002009-05-11T08:50:19.911-07:00Darius Goes WestHere, gratis of my friend and fellow sibling survivor, Heidi Horsley, is a clip from another video you must see. It’s called “Darius Goes West,” and it tells the story of 15-year-old Darius Weems, who was born with Duchenne’s Muscular Dystrophy, a progressive and uniformly fatal form of Muscular Dystrophy--the most common genetic killer of children in the world.What’s the sibling link? In 1999, Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06830680868671437204noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592851728408789132.post-55617583775058986532009-05-08T12:33:00.000-07:002009-05-08T12:34:31.785-07:00Gorgeous short movie about the loss of two siblings—check it outSo, a few months back, I gave a talk about sibling loss at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center. As you might imagine, there tend to be quite a few bereft siblings in the audience at these things. And they all have stories. Amazing, sad, beautiful ones that both elate me—because they’re a celebration of the bond—and make me want to cry.This particular evening was no exception. After the talk, aElizabeth DeVita-Raeburnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06830680868671437204noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8592851728408789132.post-64137500467748206402009-05-08T12:32:00.000-07:002009-05-08T12:33:01.972-07:00CarryingOkay, I talk about “carrying” a lot, with regard to sibling loss. What do I mean by that? I mean the tendency we surviving siblings have to find a way to “carry” our lost siblings forward into our present-day lives. It’s a way of continuing the relationship with some one who is gone—in fact, grief-speak for this phenomenon is “continuing bonds.” How people do it varies, but why we do it is more Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06830680868671437204noreply@blogger.com0